Real Couples, Real Weddings

Goodness, where do I even begin with these two. If ever a couple were more meant to be, I haven’t met them. 

April contacted me a few weeks back asking if I’d be available for a surprise proposal on 2-22-22 on Beech Mountain while she and her girlfriend were in town for skiing. I knew I’d be traveling until the 20th but could make it work so we started all the furious planning. She sent me a playlist to have playing on a small speaker when they arrived, mailed a special sign to my house, and I agreed to pick up some flowers from a local florist and have it all set up before sunrise so she could walk up with her blindfolded bride-to-be and wow her. It was going to be perfect. 

Fast forward a week, I get another message from Tarin asking if I’d be available on 2-22-22 for a surprise proposal on Grandfather Mountain…. 

Ummm…yes? Hmmm, how am I going to pull this off without either of them knowing? I just said yes and knew it would all work out one way or another. It was going ok, the plans for Tarin were a little simpler, I just had to be set up as a nature photographer in a particular location just before sunset when they walked up and then just redirect to them at the right moment. No problem.

And then the weather happened. It was going to be cold and rainy on the 22nd so both of them started texting me to see if we could reschedule a day early to sunset on the 21st… both were texting at the same time and both wanted the same thing. So after going back and forth and trying not to mistake who I was texting what, we finally worked it out to do Tarin’s proposal first and follow it an hour later with April’s. 

The dilemma was that the two mountains were about 35 min away from each other and the second shoot required a small hike plus major set up on my part. I was determined to make this epic day happen for them though and agreed. 

I got home from my travels at midnight the night before but got up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with excitement. I gathered the sign, the speaker, the flowers - all scattered over the high country, made dinner reservations for them since they were skiing and couldn’t get away from each other to do so. April texted me a couple hours before the first proposal saying she had a sneaky suspicion Tarin was about to propose…I of course said that that would be crazy, and what are the odds… *wink wink… and after texting them both back and forth as the day progressed I got into place, possibly more excited than either of them. 

As they approached, I tried not to make eye contact with either of them as I knew April would recognize me, which she did of course anyway because of my bright purple hair, but once she realized what was going on, she just played it cool like we had never met. The moment was magical of course anyway, people were cheering around us and we were all teary-eyed. 

We walked around the mountain trying not to freeze as we captured a few “just engaged” photos and April and I shook hands as if meeting each other for the first time and then I said something about needing to get to another shoot and best of luck etc, and off I raced up to Beech to set up for the next moment. 

April and I had spoken with Overlook Barn about using their Boulder View location because it had the best sunrise and was out of the way in case anyone else was using the property that day. Of course at sunset it’s not quite the same, but it was overcast anyway so it still worked out perfectly! 

I had hoped to set everything up on top of the boulder but the wind was racing around furiously making it impossible. After setting it as best I could on the ground, I started scattering the rose petals as April had hoped for into a heart, but the wind had other plans. If I had known in advance what a struggle it would be I would have set up a timelapse on my phone to document the shenanigans. It must have been absolutely hysterical to the on-looking birds and squirrels to seeing me diving on the ground trying to wrangle featherweight roses with those high winds. 

Nevertheless I persisted and five minutes later I heard their car roll into the parking lot, I dived for my camera and ran down to meet April to snag her phone (Tarin was still blindfolded in the car) and then I raced back up to the site, set up her video and stepped back in awe as the magic unfolded. 

When Tarin took off the blindfold and saw me, she burst out laughing and exclaiming, “How?!?!” I told her not to worry about it, we’d discuss all the details later…

She read the sweet words April had pre-written for her in a letter while listening to James Arthur sing “Medicine” in the background, and I swear we couldn’t have timed it better if we tried…the moment she finished the letter and turned around to see April there waiting for her, the next pre-chosen song began. “Marry Me” by Train. *que all the tears.*

Lots of happy tears later, all three of us just died laughing at the insanity of the day. I was so relieved the secret was finally out as it was about to burst out of me otherwise, and they were both elated to find they were so in sync and in love. 

If they weren’t already aligned in so many ways, they both also chose to engrave their rings. Tarin with “Forever Always”, their favorite memo to each other, also tattooed on their arms, and April with the date they had both said, “I love you.” It was truly a proposal for the books and will not ever be a day any of us could forget. We were all freezing from the double mountain top winds so they opted not to do any further photos, and we all grabbed a seat at Sorrento’s in Banner Elk to talk about everything and really take it all in. They told me more of their story and we made plans to hang in Atlanta soon and start making the next plans for the Big Day!

Babes, I am so honored to have been chosen to capture this moment in time for you. Thank you for trusting me with your memories and I cannot wait to celebrate with you in Georgia in 2023! 

Photographer: Cynthia Viola

First Location: Grandfather Mountain

Second Location: Overlook Barn, Boulder View

Flowers: Shady Grove Gardens

The Rings: Cumberland Diamond Exchange

Handmade Sign: Etsy - Sterling Shore Co

Celebration Dinner: Stonewalls

Like most modern-day love stories, Kyle and Jeremy found each other the way most couples in the 21st century do – through a dating app. After several years of dating, Jeremy decided to pop the question while on vacation in The Bahamas with friends; an excellent start to a beautiful life together. The couple tied the knot in St. Augustine, Florida at The Treasury on the Plaza, a popular wedding venue converted from a historic bank. With a grand entrance that included both fog and cold sparks, a mouthwatering three-tiered cake made up of chocolate, pistachio, and dulce de leche, and even a crowd-surfing session, this destination wedding located in the heart of the Ancient City was the best party the couple has ever thrown!

Kyle is originally from Jacksonville, Florida and Jeremy is from Griffin, Georgia. They chose St. Augustine, Florida because they knew it was the perfect place for family and friends to come together, while also providing them with all they wanted from their dream venue. "St. Augustine was the most beautiful location without being too far for those traveling," explained Kyle. "We chose The Treasury because of its beautifully modern and elegant design."

Kyle and Jeremy knew they wanted their big day to be as family and friend-focused as possible. "We really wanted our loved ones to be a part of it,” said Kyle. "We had large wedding parties made up of friends from all walks of life, and we each had our sibling as our best person. Our aunts sang during the ceremony, and my dad even officiated the wedding."

Choosing Kyle's dad, Raoul, as the one who would wed the two was a decision that came easy. "We both wanted someone we knew personally to officiate us," Kyle said. "My dad has been a role model throughout our entire relationship, and he knows us better than anyone, so he was able to make the ceremony personal in a way that no one else would've been able to do." Raul, who officiated, walked down the aisle with his own husband holding hands before marrying Kyle and Jeremy.

Kyle and Jeremy wanted to ensure that their wedding day included specially-crafted details that the couple would remember forever. "We wanted a moment to commemorate the LGBTQ aspect of our wedding,” Kyle explained. “So, we stood in front of the Castillo de San Marcos [National Monument] during the photoshoot and set off vibrantly-colored smoke bombs to create a Pride rainbow. The result was everything we could have wanted."

Kyle and Jeremy also partook in new traditions such as the pouring of Unity Glass. The couple ordered glass pieces in various colors representing their birthstones and combined them during the ceremony. Afterwards, they melted them down and molded them into one piece of glass as a symbol of their union.

"Everyone at The Treasury was so incredible and helpful to work with," said Kyle. "Everything was executed exactly to our vision and felt incredibly natural. It almost didn't feel like we were throwing a wedding because it all flowed so smoothly. Overall, the day was a combination of overwhelming beauty and emotion. People were crying, but it was also the best party we had ever been to. I don't think we could have achieved the perfect balance at any other venue in St. Augustine."

Now, the couple bids farewell to the Sunshine State as they embark to Boston, Massachusetts, where Kyle recently started as an Anesthesiology Resident Physician at Massachusetts General Hospital, the largest teaching hospital of Harvard Medical School. However, they’ll always look back on the Ancient City and The Treasury as where their life together truly began.

VENDORS
Cake: Sweet Weddings (Arlene Fores)
Wedding Coordinator: Katy Hurtig of Coastal Coordinating
DJ: Y? Entertainment (David Hanscom)
Groom's Suits: Men's Wearhouse
Flowers: Jade Violet Wedding and Event Floral Boutique
Photography: Photos by Rob Futrell
Videography: Y? Entertainment (Nicholas Sangiamo)
Catering: Purple Olive

Our thanks to newlyweds John & Clayton, for sharing their heartfelt & beautiful story with us here at RainbowWeddingNetwork!  Please enjoy this sweet & insightful Q&A with the grooms, from their first meeting online through to their honeymoon highlights in Amsterdam.  Best of Luck, John & Clayton!
(Photos courtesy: Douglas Benedict, www.douglasbenedict.com)
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RainbowWeddingNetwork (RWN):  Tell us the story of how you met... Was it love at first sight?  What were some of the qualities that attracted you to each other, and made you realize that 'he was the one'?

John:  Clayton and I met online.   It initially started as friendly chat, but as time went on we realized how much we had in common and how much was lacking in our lives.   It was not love at first sight, but rather something that grew over time.

The qualities that initially attracted me to Clayton (and still do) are how outgoing and personable he is.  I am much more shy and guarded – especially around new people – so in that way he complemented me.  Additionally, Clayton is a very kind, generous and giving person.  All these qualities were missing in my previous relationship and something I didn’t realize I could get from a partner until I met him.  That is when I knew he was the one.

RWN:  How did you propose to each other?  Did one of you surprise the other?

John:  Clayton had actually discussed marriage a few times before he proposed to me.  I had never thought of getting married when I was with my previous partner and since it was such a long relationship I pushed the idea of ever getting married so far in the back of my mind so that when he did bring up the topic I did not take him seriously at first…. That is until one night when we were out with friends.  It was an icy cold night and Clayton asked me to marry him.  For some reason this time I realized he was serious.  Being a very analytical person and one to consider both sides of any decision, my initial response was “let me think about it”.  I know, not very romantic but that is my reaction to just about any decision.  It took all of about 20 minutes to realize that Clayton is the best thing to ever happen to me and that he truly completes me and makes me a better person, so I went back to him and said “Yes!”
 
RWN:  How did your family and friends react to the engagement?  Any insights, thoughts or feelings you'd like to share?

John:  Nearly everyone was very supportive.  The only real negative reaction was from my father when I asked him to walk me down the aisle.  His initial response was “Are you the woman?”  Now at first that may seem harsh and my initial reaction was of surprise and a bit of anger.  But I quickly realized he was reacting to me asking him to do something that is traditionally done by the father for his daughter.  At the time my father was 85 years old and old school in many ways, yet he was always supportive of our relationship.  So I explained to him that Clayton’s mother was walking him down the aisle and if my mother was still alive I would have asked her. Once he understood that, he was completely on board and did walk me down the aisle.  Clayton’s family was completely supportive and excited about the two of us sharing our lives together.

RWN:  What was the initial ceremony planning like?  Any particular issues with non-accepting wedding vendors?  Any wonderful moments with extremely supportive wedding vendors?

John:  Neither of us ever dreamed about our ideal wedding or really ever thought of even getting married so when it came time for wedding planning details we were like two fish out of water.  After we were asked by the florist what the color of the flower girl’s hair band was going to be, we knew we were screwed.  The thought of that never even entered our minds.  After that, we made it a point to let every vendor know to not assume we thought of anything before we came in to talk with them and really ask about ALL the details.

We did not experience any issues with any vendors – all were extremely supportive and most seemed quite happy to be dealing with a same-sex couple because it is not the norm.
 
RWN:  What type of wedding did you have?  Ceremony colors?  Any themes?  Did you include particular rituals or traditions?

Clayton:  We actually had two ceremonies.  The first one was in Connecticut on May 15, 2009 and was a very small ceremony by a lake with a Justice of the Peace and John’s one brother and his family.  It was a very bucolic ceremony in the country and we all had a nice lunch afterward in a very typical New England waterfront Inn.  We live in Pennsylvania which does not recognize gay marriage but thankfully does not have a constitutional amendment against it and we wanted our marriage to be “legal” somewhere, hence the decision to get married in Connecticut.  We chose Connecticut because 1) John’s bother lives there and 2) there is no waiting period in order to get married.

But we also wanted a traditional wedding ceremony with close friends and family, which we did on June 21, 2009.  We chose that date because 1) it is the first day of summer and 2) it is the longest day of the year – allowing maximum daylight for our outdoor wedding.  We had a rehearsal dinner the night before.

The wedding ceremony took place outdoors at Morgan Hill Country Club in Easton, PA which is on top of a hill which provides picturesque views of the land below.  The reception was held in a tent adjacent to the ceremony area.  Our theme was “black and white”.  Being an interracial couple we thought it would be fun to play on the fact that John is white and Clayton is black.  The colors were black, ivory and red.  The men and ring bearer wore black tuxes with ivory ties and red roses on their lapels.  The women wore black dresses with ivory corset-like lacing on the back.  The flower girl wore an ivory dress with a black bow.  The bouquets consisted of white hydrangeas and red roses.

We wanted to be as traditional as possible for our “non-traditional” wedding.  We had a wedding party of 12 – 5 groomsmen, 5 bridesmaids, a ring bearer and a flower girl.  We were married by a Catholic priest who is a very good friend and also happens to be gay.

The ceremony started with a string quartet that played prior to and during the wedding ceremony and during the cocktail reception. We performed a sand ceremony during the wedding.  This is where each participant mixes sand of different colors into a container to symbolize two becoming one.  The sand colors were of course black and white.

The ceremony was immediately followed by the traditional receiving line and the cocktail hour. We took the wedding party pictures during the cocktail hour which was followed by the reception. 

We switched to a DJ for the reception who did the traditional announcement of the wedding party followed by the traditional first dance of the wedding couple.

RWN:  How did you feel on your Wedding Day?  What was the range of emotions?  Was it different than you'd expected?

Clayton:  We felt extreme happiness with perhaps a tinge of anxiety at being the center of attention.  Having family and friends witness our marriage to each other felt like we were finally recognized as being “official” and being on par with other married couples… a feeling we never thought we would experience.

Our attitudes toward other couples’ weddings also changed after that day.  Prior to the wedding, we both were a bit disinterested in the whole process knowing that we could never be part of it.  After the wedding, we now approach weddings with an entirely new attitude of celebrating the love and partnership that a marriage is.

RWN:  Describe some of your Ceremony & Reception Highlights.

Clayton:   One of the funniest moments during the ceremony occurred right after John’s father and Clayton’s mother walked them down the aisle.  The priest asked who gives Clayton away and his mother and father stood up and said “we do”.  Then the priest asked who gives John away and his father stood up and said “I do”.  After he said “I do”, there was total silence.  Out of nowhere he yells out, “Good luck fellas” which got a huge chuckle from everyone.

As mentioned, we tried to keep the wedding as traditional as possible.  We both had rainbow garters on before the wedding started which we were going to use in lieu of the traditional bouquet/garter toss.  The song ‘The Stripper’ came on and the activities began.  We each seductively removed the garters from one another, getting tremendous roars from the crowd.  We had the men and women lined up to catch the garters.  Ironically enough we had one straight male friend and one gay male friend catch the garters.  Now everything got real interesting.  Both guys were great sports about what was just about to happen.  Slow and steady in a very playful manner both men put the garters on one another.  All of our guests loved what was playfully going on.  We still laugh and joke about this today.
 
RWN:  Did you choose to go on a honeymoon?  Where?

John:  Just as we had two ceremonies, we also had two honeymoons.  The first one was right after the second ceremony and we escaped to Fort Lauderdale for five days.    The second honeymoon was that following September and we went to Amsterdam and Germany for 10 days.

We have a friend who lives in Amsterdam that we stayed with which was great because we got to experience the “real” Amsterdam – including riding bikes all through town.  We also took the ICE train (very fast train) to Cologne, Germany for one overnight.  We stayed adjacent to the Kölner Dom (Cologne Cathedral) which began construction in 1248.  The cathedral is the largest Gothic church in Northern Europe and has the second-tallest spires and largest facade of any church in the world.
 
RWN:  Why are marriage rights important to you?  What is your advice to other committed couples, as they consider whether or not to have a wedding of their own?

John:   Marriage rights are important because we would like all same-sex couple to experience the official acceptance.
 
RWN:  Favorite Quote from our Happy Couple?

 John:  “When you are in a healthy relationship it should be effortless”.  We all have to work at maintaining our relationships, but a relationship should not feel like a job.

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Photos courtesy: Douglas Benedict, www.douglasbenedict.com
"I have never been to - or photographed - a more moving, beautiful or loving wedding than theirs. Their supportive families and tight-knit friends made for the perfect wedding."

“Once you reach your mid-thirties, you know what your dating pool is,” states Gretchen. “You have a pretty good idea of what you are looking for in a partner.  When we met we knew pretty quickly that this was it for both of us.  We were together for about a year then we were engaged for another.”  Gretchen and Lisa met at Starbucks and two years later, they tied the knot.

Their goal was to create a very special experience for their guests, most of whom were close family and friends.  “I was raised with various traditions,” says Lisa, “but the great thing about a lesbian wedding was that no one we knew had been to one, including us, so we could combine traditions as we saw fit.  The end result was a traditional wedding with a few twists.  We didn’t have any limitations.  We pulled from other weddings we had seen and mixed the new elements with the old.”

“I have already been married before,” says Gretchen, “but Lisa hasn’t so I wanted to make it the best for her!”

“I was raised Catholic in a large family and every year someone was getting married,” says Lisa. “There were a lot of traditions including the priest and the pews.  I liked some of them but others I didn’t like at all.”  Lisa and Gretchen both agreed they did not like the tradition of being confined in the space of a church or the idea of a priest.  Instead, they chose the winery at Stanford Oaks Estates in Durham, California as the location for both the ceremony and the reception.

At Stanford Oaks Estates Lisa and Gretchen had access to a garden for the ceremony, a private place for the wedding party to get ready and an open reception area.  “One of the things we planned on purpose was a reception before the reception because we were nervous and our families were nervous and lots of people didn’t know what to expect,” says Gretchen.  As guests arrived at the winery and exited their cars for the garden ceremony, they were greeted and served chilled beer, wine and other beverages.  This provided everyone in attendance with the chance to relax, drink, socialize and get into a celebratory mood.

“We wanted everyone to mingle and then sit with their drink and enjoy the ceremony, “adds Lisa. “We wanted them to arrive and from the very first moment –celebrate.  It really worked because before the ceremony people were laughing, smiling and really upbeat.”

The wedding ceremony itself was short, approximately 25 minutes, and there was a butterfly release in the garden.  “We didn’t want to put our guests through solemn vows and get stuck in that mindset,” says Gretchen, “we wanted everyone to have fun.”

Gretchen and Lisa were both escorted by their fathers down the aisle and Lisa’s grandmother was the ring bearer.  Gretchen’s bridesmaids were her two daughters, ages 10 and 16.  Lisa’s sisters were her bridesmaids.  Lisa and Gretchen wanted spring colors to match the garden so the bridesmaids’ dresses were sage green and each one was styled just a little differently from the others.  The flowers were bright, primary colors to add flair and compliment the understated green.

The wedding was officiated by a close friend of Lisa’s family who collected personal stories from friends and family members and wove them into the ceremony itself. After the ceremony, wooded pathways with big oak trees and shrubbery led guests to an open reception space with streams of twinkling lights wound 40 feet into the trees and lanterns in the middle.  “The winery [Stanford Oaks] has its own personality,” says Gretchen, “We didn’t want to overwhelm the natural environment.  It had a simple, romantic feeling and was very pretty.” In the reception area, tables were decorated with white and sage green table clothes and the floral centerpieces matched the bright flowers used for the ceremony.

Both women believe that couples currently in the planning stages or recently engaged must carefully decide the kind of feeling they want to create at the wedding ceremony and reception.  “Ask yourselves how you want people to feel from the moment they step foot into the event,” they agreed, “and then think about the kind of atmosphere you want.”

Lisa and Gretchen’s reception continued the feelings of fun, joy and celebration that they had introduced before their ceremony.  The DJ provided them with a unique service: a website that allowed Gretchen and Lisa to log on and choose the songs they wanted for everything—from the walk down the aisle to the end of the reception.  They were very specific about the music.  “The age range at our wedding was 6 months to 90 years old,” says Lisa. “We wanted to create an atmosphere where everyone could enjoy themselves and we felt music was critical.”

Their first dance was Come Fly With Me by Frank Sinatra and both brides danced with their fathers during Nat King Cole’s Unforgettable featuring Natalie Cole. These songs were followed by some of music’s greatest including Dean Martin and Nina Simone.  “I wanted the DJ to go around and see what people wanted to hear and I wanted it to have a smoky, rat pack, lounge feeling,” says Lisa, “I knew it would get our older grandparents, aunts and uncles more involved and participating.”

“Before we had our first dance,” adds Gretchen, “our parents were dancing and we couldn’t get people off the dance floor.  The winery was like a snow globe of good feelings.”

In addition to the wonderful dance vibe, Gretchen and Lisa chose a unique cake from a small family-owned store to share with their guests.  It was a three-tiered cake and each tier featured a different flavor.  The first was chocolate mocha, the second was white with lemon filing and the top was chai apple.  “We had a forty-five minute consultation and tested out a number of varieties,” says Lisa, “we wanted to sketch out something that was simple and tasted good.”

“The cake went like wildfire,” adds Gretchen laughing.  “Beyond the initial cutting of the cake, we didn’t get any.  The guests were like piranhas.”

Gretchen and Lisa made a point to hire only small, local businesses for their wedding.  The winery is located in Lisa’s hometown where the population is around 500.  The DJ, catering and organic flowers were all provided by nearby businesses.  “We sought out small, family-owned companies to help us,” states Gretchen, “we knew we wanted that family-oriented kind of pride infused throughout the ceremony and reception.”

Another small business Gretchen and Lisa hired for their special day was Sarah Maren Photograhy.  “It was interesting because we have quite a few gay friends that are photographers, but we were referred to Sarah because she was just starting out and didn’t have photos of same-sex couples,” remembers Gretchen. “She wanted to add some same-sex images to her portfolio so first we had her take our engagement photos and they turned out really, really nice,” she continues, “so nice that Yahoo News picked them up for a photo montage on Valentine’s Day for a piece on weddings and same-sex marriage.”

“One tradition we did not subscribe to was taking staged photos after the ceremony,” adds Lisa.  “Spending an hour to take staged photos was no good. We wanted to join the party, let the evening unfold and let Sarah capture the celebration and whatever shape it took.”

“We were very pleased,” says Gretchen, “Sarah has done an amazing job.”

To end the day Gretchen and Lisa decided to put a very personal touch on the wedding favors.  “Lisa gathered together individual rocks and painted them as favors,” says Gretchen, “They were hand painted with stick figure couples that were us in various settings. We painted our names and the date of our wedding and then put them in boxes. That little touch pulled everyone together.  When they saw their rocks were different than others, the guests all got up and started looking at the different rocks.”

“They even started exchanging them,” adds Lisa, “And as they left you would hear guests say ‘Did you get your rock?’”

“Now when we go to people’s houses,” says Gretchen laughing, “they have their rocks prominently displayed as artwork.”

For many gay and lesbian couples, there is an added dimension to getting married and having a wedding.  Unlike straight couples, gay and lesbian couples must consider some less logistical and more emotional factors, especially if family members have never been involved in an event like this.  “At one point early in the evening, I was dancing with my mother when she started crying and said she knew the wedding wasn’t easy for me,” says Lisa, “I told her that is wasn’t easy, it was hard.  I had really put myself out there on a whim having this wedding.  I wanted everyone to understand that I am really dedicated and committed to Gretchen and the children. And I suddenly realized that my mother really got what a sacrifice it was for Gretchen and I to do this.”

“It wasn’t a wedding where everyone was happy and joyous,” Lisa continues, “It wasn’t like when a straight couple announces their engagement and everyone jumps up and down.  Coming out was hard for both of us and we had to talk to our families and see how everyone would feel.”  Lisa and Gretchen struggled through questions and comments like “is it really a wedding?” or “it’s not really a marriage.”  But during the course of that year, as their wedding date grew closer, they began to see feelings change.  Both women remember clearly the first time a family member called Gretchen Lisa’s fiancé and later her wife, and the moment when someone first referred to the ceremony as a marriage.  Gretchen and Lisa were thrilled to see this transformation happen with both of their families.

“For couples that are thinking about getting engaged and married, I have a little advice,” says Gretchen, “Be yourself in the process, have humility and keep open lines of communication. It can be a growth opportunity for all of your family relationships if you want it to be.”

“I had to do status checks with my parents,” adds Lisa, “I would ask them how they were doing and if there were any issues.  By keeping the lines of communication open, in the end everyone got it.  As a matter of fact, the people we thought wouldn’t get it were the first people to jump on the bandwagon.”

The two were so afraid of telling Lisa’s grandmother of their engagement that they sent her parents to share the news.  When Lisa’s father announced Gretchen and Lisa would be married, Lisa’s grandmother responded as if it was exactly what she had expected.  In one of the most memorable moments of support, Lisa’s grandmother stopped during her husband’s 90th birthday party to take out the antique china and ask Gretchen and Lisa to choose one as a wedding gift.  “It felt so good to have these people as our allies,” Gretchen says. “This event didn’t heal all wounds.  We still have a ways to go with some family members, but most of our family has recognized the legitimacy of our relationship and will support us in the future.”

In anticipation of the day the state of Iowa would legalize same-gender marriage, Dean Genth and Gary Swenson of Mason City, having had a Holy Union Ceremony in 2004, planned on simply appearing at the courthouse, signing the papers, being wed by a judge, then going on back home. However on April 3, 2009, the day the Iowa Supreme Court struck down the Iowa legal code’s 1998 One Man/One Woman law, Dean and Gary’s expansive list of friends asked to be in on the historic wedding celebration. Gary and Dean realized their ceremony plans would need expanding too, so they began indulging in ideas for a May 31st wedding in Music Man Square, a 1912 River City Streetscape, reminiscent of the movie “The Music Man,” and home to “Music Man” composer Meredith Willson.

But Dean and Gary also had another, perhaps more vital reason for their change of plans. In their wedding program, the couple explained their personal heartfelt goal to their guests. “If one young man or young woman attending, who has been told by society, church, or even family that they are ‘less than,’ could come away from our ceremony with a hope for the future, a hope that includes love, companionship, and recognition that they too are of value, then we’ve been successful.”

For these two men to choose to include the inspiration of others as a priority for their Wedding Day was not unexpected, as Gary and Dean are considered the North Iowa “Poster Boys” for same-gender relationships. “We have worked with One Iowa (an advocacy group dedicated to supporting full LGBT equality) since its formation,” Dean says. “...And also with Executive Director Brad Clark on the State's Anti-Bullying legislative efforts.”  Dean and Gary co-founded PFLAG-North Iowa, and Dean is president of the Iowa State PFLAG Council of Chapters and Chair of the Iowa Stonewall Democrats Caucus.

Dean and Gary’s History

As part of their ceremony, Dean, a retired business executive, and Gary, a radiologist, made use of their 27-page written program in part to tell guests about their life together, including how they met when their careers took them individually to Chicago 6½ years before. Soon thereafter, Dean joined Gary in Mason City, Iowa, and the couple celebrated a Holy Union Ceremony at First Presbyterian Church on November 27, 2004 in front of almost 200 friends, family and community members.

But to make their May 31st wedding truly inspirational, Dean and Gary also told the story of their lives before they met. “The story,” they detailed in their program, “of two boys who grew up in unfriendly times and sometimes hostile circumstances.”For Gary, those circumstances included growing up the sixth of eight children in a traditional Mormon household.  He says that when he was old enough to realize he was “different” and began to discuss his feelings and questions with church leaders, he was advised to pray, read scripture, and marry a “good woman,” and those awful feelings would go away.

Likewise, Dean was raised in a conservative environment, a rural Indiana farm. In the wedding program he explained how in his youth he also had followed what society, church, and family dictated as the “recipe for happy living.”

Both men married, had children, and established themselves in their respective churches and communities, but there were consequences, which they explained candidly in the program to their wedding guests. “The dissonance and heartache grew in the hearts of two men who were living what they considered ‘irrational roles’ - roles society created, had created for them. And all the while, they lived in fear, living false lives.”  Both recall being obsessed with certain thoughts. “What if my family and church members found out who I really am?”  In their wedding program, the couple further explained, “It took many years before we could realize we are indeed beautiful, and that God means for us to be happy.”

That day arrived, unexpectedly, in 2002. “It was destined. Our souls had to fly, and that flight began on December 2, 2002 when we met in Chicago and fell in love.”

But the doubts remained. “Let’s give it a year,” Dean recalls saying. “If we still feel the same, we can make arrangements to merge our lives.” However, it was only three weeks later that he proposed to Gary.  “Will you marry me?” he asked.

The couple shared the mix of thoughts and emotions that they then faced, considering their prospective future together. “It couldn’t be,” they concluded at the time. “It couldn’t work.” Gary lived in Iowa; Dean lived in Ohio, but most importantly, they believed that all they’d worked for – jobs, families, community standing -  would be sacrificed for what they felt was “an insane proposition.”  There was no logic! There was no common sense!

But there was love, and Gary answered Dean’s proposal in just five words:  “Dear Dean. Yes. Love, Gary.”

However, the fears continued. “We had difficulty shedding the years of conditioned self-loathing and shame that accompanied our situation,” the couple acknowledged in their wedding program. They felt as if they should retreat to a “safe” place, somewhere larger than Mason City, and bought a house in Cincinnati. “Cincinnati was a big enough city that we felt we could become anonymous,” they explained, “and live our lives quietly, giving us a chance to adjust to the concept of being a gay couple in straight America.”

But those plans, like their eventual May wedding plans, were transformed by friends. When Gary gave his medical partners notice with little explanation, one of them took him aside and asked, “Why do you have to move?”

Gary’s many excuses didn’t work and he recalls, “Finally, I simply came out with the truth.” Then he told all his partners about Dean, and each one had the same response: “If you think it matters, it doesn’t, so please don’t move away.”

After eventually telling others too, the couple was still concerned. “We were reeling from the immediate psychological trauma of coming out to families, friends, churches, and our communities,” they explained to their wedding guests. “We felt the loneliness and isolation that comes with internalizing all the negative opinions of society.  The trauma was real.  Wives and children were no longer a part of our daily lives.  Excommunication and expulsion from lifelong church affiliations had just been endured.”  In addition, they were facing what they believed would be the town’s potential negative reaction to a gay couple living in its midst.

But then, they heard the song that changed their lives. “Quite by accident,” Dean explains, “we found ourselves on the campus of St. Olaf College in Northfield, Minnesota.  As we walked along, we saw a sign announcing “Gay Men’s Chorus Concert, tonight in the chapel.  That evening, feeling as if we were the only gay couple in all of the rural Midwest, we timidly entered the chapel and saw 100 members of the Twin Cities Gay Men’s Chorus.” The couple watched hundreds of people filter into the chapel. “Young, old, gay couples, straight couples, students and professors,” Dean recalls.  “All smiling,” Gary adds, “welcoming, and happy.  It was an epiphany! We weren’t alone!”

For the first time, Dean and Gary held hands in public, unafraid, and at the evening’s end, they grasped the hands of those around them too as the 29 year-old Chorus sang what had always been its signature song, ‘Walk Hand In Hand.’  Dean and Gary were in awe. “The choir and audience sang together words that would forever change the hopes and dreams of two frightened men from Iowa.” 

On November 27, 2004, Gary’s business partners, and nearly 200 other guests joyously witnessed the couple’s Holy Union Ceremony at First Presbyterian Church, right there at home, in Mason City.

The Wedding Ceremony

On April 27, 2009, the day marriage licenses could be legally provided to same-gender couples in Iowa, Dean and Gary were first in line. By this time, their initial plan - a simple visit to the judge-  was just a laughable memory, and the preparations for the larger event, for 400 friends, relatives, co-workers, and community members, were in place. They had decided that this time when they donned their tuxedos, they wanted the day’s meaningfulness to extend beyond a wedding. “Our event was a day of Marriage Equality Celebration,” Dean explains. “We envisioned this being a teachable moment for the community here in Iowa.”

To accomplish this goal, they wished to create a multi-faceted and relevant ceremony, beginning with pianist Brian Snell’s renditions of songs including “I Am What I Am,” “If He Walked Into My Life,” “Somewhere My Love,” “One Hand, One Heart,” and “Impossible Dream.”

Then several narrators, including Rev. Paul Collier and Mr. Allen Burch, began telling the story of Dean and Gary’s lives.  As part of their story includes their families, standing alongside the grooms were Dean’s nieces, Lynne Utterback and Deb Baker, and Gary's son, Adden Swenson,  Gary's youngest brother, Mark Swenson and his husband Craig Coburn, and Gary’s nephew, Aaron Swenson.

As the narrators spoke, The Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus, directed by Dr. Stan Hill, accompanied by Timothy De Prey, performed songs related to Dean and Gary’s story. “Once I Had a Secret Love,” they sang. Also intertwined within the story were the songs “If You Only Knew,” “We Kiss in a Shadow,” “I Can Fly,” and “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”  Vocalists Beth, Jennifer, Kristen, and Stephanie Ehlers sang “Somewhere.”

Also interspersed were the narrators’ readings of several significant pieces including Edmund O’Neill’s classic work, “Marriage Joins Two People In The Circle Of Its Love.”

But in addition to being informative and inspiring, Dean and Gary’s wedding was also designed to be very personal. “Our vows this time,” Dean says, “were more secular than the Holy Union Ceremony, but were written by us to be extremely personal and meaningful for us.”

It was personal to them on another level too: the inclusion of Reverend Mel White, internationally known author and founder of Soulforce, an organization focused on obtaining freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the use of nonviolent resistance.

The choice to have Rev. White officiate at their wedding stemmed from Dean’s appreciation for Rev. White’s book, Stranger At The Gate - To be Gay and Christian in America, which Dean says enabled him to "come out" and live life honestly and authentically.  Dean then served as Director of Logistics for Soulforce’s 2007 East Bus Equality Ride, and having struck up a friendship, Rev. White was happy to officiate at the couple’s wedding.

After the vows, the ceremony closed with the Twin Cities Gay Men’s Chorus singing the song that had so positively impacted Dean and Gary’s lives several years before. “Walk hand in hand with us,” Dean and Gary invited their guests. Guests grasped each others’ hands as the Chorus sang its signature song.  

The Reception

The Chorus also entertained at the reception, as did Kirk’s DJ & Sound. The reception theme, the Music Man Square Streetscape décor, featured rainbow flags of all sizes and floral displays, centerpieces, corsages, and boutonnières, created by Randy Black of Hy-Vee Floral, including tulips, roses, daisies, and irises in bright rainbow colors.Gail Schurtz of Hy-Vee Catering provided the Casual Cuisine menu including gourmet ham, turkey, and roast beef tortilla snack wraps; a fresh fruit bouquet featuring melon, grapes, and strawberries; lemon-limeade slush, and wine bar. The three-tier wedding cake had an Asian influence, square with draping apple blossoms and the Cantonese symbol for Happiness on top.  Three additional sheet cakes were decorated with rosebuds and rainbow colors in keeping with the wedding theme. Photographers Matty Smith and Ed Lynn recorded the day in pictures, and videographer Jeff Platt captured the fun and festivities as well.

Cherishing the Day

But amid the celebration, Dean and Gary invited their guests to also seek the deeper meaning of the day. “Look around you,” they told their 400 friends and family members. “Here is a cross-section of Iowa.  In this room are folks at all levels of the income spectrum.  We have well-dressed fashionistas and those whose clothes reflect the care of long-term repair, conservation and thrift.  We have gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and straight individuals.  We have those who were born male and are now female, and those who were born female and today sport beards and dapper masculinity.  We have all flavors of religion represented, as well as those who profess no religion or belief whatsoever.  We have Democrats, Republicans, and Independents.  We have pastors and priests, doctors and lawyers, those who serve us sandwiches at the counter and those who clean up after us when we are long gone from work or business.

“No one here is unacceptable.  No one here is ‘less than.’  You will be hard-pressed to find a gathering in the United States as diverse as this group of people in this room today.  And you will be hard-pressed to find a moment in time when you are as accepted for who you are, than this moment right now.  Cherish this moment.”