Family Naming Tips for Gay & Lesbian Couples

As you prepare for your upcoming wedding, you’ll likely spend countless hours on details like the guest list, ceremony music and vows. But if you are considering modifying one or both of your last names or if children may be in your future, it’s important to give family naming the same careful consideration.

It may seem like married names are only relevant for heterosexual couples, but the truth is last names have become a choice rather than a given for all modern families. Thankfully, the institution of marriage has evolved to the point that it is no longer necessary to follow any particular naming tradition, and new and creative options have emerged as a result. There’s no right or wrong answer, just a right or wrong answer for each individual.

As you weigh your options, it’s important to consider things like:

• what your partner expects
• how your career may be affected
• how much you are influenced by societal norms and what others think
• whether or not your choice will reflect your most deeply held values
• how your choice will impact naming of children

Any name change has potential impact in three primary areas: identity, career and children.

Identity isn’t an issue to be taken lightly. Just as traditional brides in heterosexual marriages have known for many years, it can be tough to walk into a wedding ceremony with the name you grew up with and walk out minutes later with another one entirely.

Also, once you are established in your career and have a reputation built on your last name it’s a big deal to change it. Diplomas, certifications, and licenses that bear your name may need to be changed, and a change mid career can mean lost time and money as clients struggle to find you.

Nonetheless, it’s often nice to share a name. If you decide that you want your family to have a unified “team name”, there are several options beyond using one spouse’s last name or hyphenating, that include combining two family names to create a new last name or choosing a completely new last name of special significance. It’s not uncommon these days for Long and Smith to become Longsmith, Losmith, or Smong, or for Rosenberg and Fisk to become Rosefisk, Rosk, or Fiskenberg. Similarly, couples are frequently choosing to share new names that are personally meaningful to them such as Bell for mindfulness, Carolina because the couple met there or Meadows for their love of open spaces.

If you and your partner both intend to keep your last name, you’ll still want to discuss what last name(s) you plan to give your children. Again, there are a variety of possibilities that present an opportunity for you to express your creativity. Some couples decide to give the children only one parent’s last name, while others use the second family name as a middle name or hyphenate the two together. There are bureaucratic inconveniences that go along with a hyphenated last name, but it is still a very popular option and generally seen as the most equitable way to represent both parents. Ask yourself what messages—spoken or unspoken—your child will receive about equality from the family’s naming choices, and how those messages might contribute to her or his self-concept.

There can also be circumstances to take into consideration in your particular county or state, regarding adoption laws and the level of acceptance for same-sex couples as parents. For instance, some counties in your state may allow second-parent adoptions, while other counties may not. This may come into play in a variety of cases: you and your partner are adopting a child; your lesbian partner is biologically carrying a child; you are anticipating a surrogate mother for your child; your partner has a child from a previous relationship and you’re considering adopting… Or your state may have laws in place actually banning gays and lesbians from adopting. In such cases, it may be best to consult with your lawyer or adoption agency prior to making a naming decision based solely on your ideal, heartfelt choice.